


I Only Live Alone Awake

by AuroraShard



Series: FYeah Clint/Nat/Laura Mini Prompt-athon 2020 [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (offscreen canonical death), Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Dissociation, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury, Multi, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), one (1) swear word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:27:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraShard/pseuds/AuroraShard
Summary: For the FYeahClintNatLaura tumblr mini promptathon. Prompt 4 via @sbwomenofmarvel: "Clint having to tell Laura and the kids that Nat isn’t coming home. Hehe we love some angst."Clint returns to tell his family of what happened on the mountain.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Laura Barton/Natasha Romanov
Series: FYeah Clint/Nat/Laura Mini Prompt-athon 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689340
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	I Only Live Alone Awake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SBWomenofMarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBWomenofMarvel/gifts).



> I haven't seen Endgame since it came out. I don't own it, nor do I feel like paying to rent it just so I can cry again. ;) So forgive any inaccuracies!
> 
> Title is from "It's Only Me" by Dessa, which also inspired this fic. If you really want to hurt, play it while you read.
> 
> CW information in the end notes.

His hand leaves bloody smears on the console as he sets the autopilot. He slumps forwards against the console. His mind is nothing but a loop of _my family is alive_ , and the knowledge that the statement isn't all true.

-

They meet him at the tarmac, running forward as he stumbles out of the quinjet. They grab him, hands winding around him. He falls to his knees, then, and they go with him. He is sobbing before he realises it, gasping for air and choking out sobs. 

"She's...she...fell...for…" he stutters out, eyes closed against all of it; his tears, his anguish, the memories of the mountain, of her. He tries desperately, feverishly, to block out the sights of his children's faces, of his wife, of _their_ wife. He howls in grief as they all press against him. He doesn't need to finish his sentence; he knows they understand. He thinks, for an instant he hears her and he whips his head up, vision swimming with vertigo, when he sees red hair. He jerks forward for a moment before his vision settles and he realizes it's Pepper. Peter is with her, and Happy, and he has to turn away. Laura cradles his head to her, whispering nonsense to him as he convulses with his grief.

He feels them all shaking with him, feels their relief and sorrow bleeding into his. He worries for a moment, about the blood on his gear, but the worry is replaced with relief and guilt that they are back, safe. It feels bizarre as they hold him. A sense memory thought forgotten. 

There are words being spoken around them, words and tears and strategizing. There is a phone ringing, boots on concrete, sirens and wheels and there is a hand on his shoulder, too close. He jerks into Laura, wild-eyed, turning with a snarl to the medic who jumps back, hands up. Laura says something and they leave, but the words are drowned out, as if filtering through water.

For a moment he is back in the pool of water, and he can feel the cold heat of the Stone in his grasp and there is bile at the back of his throat before one of the kids squeezes him again and he careens back to his bloody body, folded over on hot asphalt. 

An eternity later he is guided to his feet, brought to a medical tent. It smells of blood and antiseptic. This is routine, what always happens after a mission. He goes through the motions without thinking; an arm held out for a blood pressure cuff, a pulse oximeter on his finger. The constant radio chatter and talking blurs to static. It feels just like it did after New York, after SHIELD had dragged them out of the restaurant. His body aches the same, and his mind is the same distant haze, far removed from his body. 

-

He blinks and he is in a car that smells musty, disused. Trees whip by and he closes his eyes again. 

-

He wakes next in a bed, wrapped in warm blankets and in new clothes. He doesn't smell blood, or gunpowder, or ozone, or the familiar smell of his gear. His eyes are gritty and swollen, and he blinks them as he adjusts to the soft light filling the room. Laura is pressed against his back, and the kids are curled around them on the bed. There are duffel bags on the ground-- their go bags, he realizes. 

He feels wrung out as he watches them all sleep, no tears coming forth. He aches all over, and shifts slowly to grab the pill bottle and water bottle off the nightstand. He checks the label and takes his dose of painkillers, glancing at the clock and flipping the pill bottle upside down. It rattles, but doesn't wake the others. He falls back to sleep soon after.

-

They eat reheated canned soup when they wake. Clint isn't quite sure what time it is, but he knows none of them care. The blinds overlooking the Avengers compound are half open, letting in fading sunlight. He hasn't seen his phone since the Quinjet, but he dimly suspects Laura of having it on silent in her pocket. 

They sit in the living room once they finish, bowls and spoons dripping soup onto the table. He can't be bothered to care. The silence presses down on him like a foreign atmosphere, a gravity he is not sure he can bear.

"We had to travel back in time to get the stones." He whispers, fidgeting with the drawstring on the sweatpants he has no memory of changing into. "There was a mountain. We… the Stone needed… you had to give up someone you loved. Thanos, he gave up his adopted daughter, killed her for it. We… I told her I would do it." 

He feels the shift in the room. They all press closer to him, and Laura presses his free hand between hers. The kids shift close to rest a hand on his knees, or a foot against his leg. He focuses on their anchoring points of contact and sucks in a shaky breath.

"She told me not to. She started running and we fought...She. She beat me to the edge, and…when I woke up in the pool she was gone." The tears welled up again, his throat closing. They all pressed closer. He sobbed until the tears wouldn't come any more. They all did.

"She saved us. She won't get the same credit as the rest but she did. And she loved you all so much, and it's not _fucking fair._ " He snarls, grief shifting to rage for a moment before he goes limp, sagging against Laura and Cooper, who leans in along his other side. 

"I'm so sorry that she's not coming back. It should've been me." He breathes. "I've just been a...a…" he stumbles, searching for the word. "A vigilante. She stayed here, making sure the world kept turning. God, it's just… not fair." 

"She wouldn't have wanted you to torture yourself like this. She made her choice to save all of us." Laura said, running her thumb along Clint's hand. He couldn't quite meet her gaze.

"When I first met Nat, after you brought her in, we talked on the back porch. The three of us, together. She was so wary, at first. That all of it would be taken away. That the support and second chances she was given were provisional. She talked about her ledger, about all the horrors she had seen and committed. She ached to do good, to make up that debt." She smiled softly at their children, taking in their red-rimmed eyes, tear tracks and weary expressions.

"She finally forgave herself. This was before you all were born, but not by too much. She carried that ledger with her every day. And every day she chose to get up, and do what she could to help. After SHIELD fell, it hurt her. She felt so betrayed. But she kept going. She always wanted to help when she could. She saw a chance to do that, on that mountain. And she took it. All we can do is keep going. Rebuild. Make sure it wasn't in vain." Laura said. Clint nodded mutely. 

The kids hug him tightly, and they sit like that for a while.

"I'm gonna miss momma." Nathaniel says, and the others nod.

"I'm gonna miss her hugs and stories." Lila whispers.

"Maybe we could do a scholarship in her honor or something. She talked about doing that, remember? Maybe we could do that for her." Nathaniel offers. Laura smiles, brushing his hair behind his ear.

"That's a great idea, hun. Why don't you guys head to the cafeteria and see what you can find? I'm gonna help your dad into a bath." They nod and lean in for hugs and kisses before grabbing a backpack and heading out. 

The room feels empty without them there, and Clint sways towards Laura. She guides him to her, cradling him against her. She rubs one hand along the back of his head, the other resting across his shoulders.

"Let's head to the bathroom. We can draw a bath. I'll get you a new change of clothes." She tugs him to his feet, and he limps to the bathroom. 

She helps him undress, tossing his clothes to the floor. The bathroom feels like a hotel, pristine and stocked with soaps and towels. His side is mottled with bruises and scrapes, and he stares at them as Laura starts the water, testing it with the back of her hand. She helps him lower himself into the tub, and he hisses as the hot water laps at his injuries. 

"Pepper offered to watch the kids for a bit. Medical wants to check with you again… I'm sure you don't remember yesterday's appointment at the airfield?" She asks, passing him a washcloth and setting a bath towel within reach. He shakes his head.

"I have your phone, if you need it. But I told everyone to give you some space. I'm going to get some clothes, and then I can help you wash up." He nods, eyes sliding closed. 

She returns a minute later with an outfit for him, setting it on the counter. She types out a text and sets her phone there, too.

"Pepper is here, she's going to watch the kids for a bit. They've been trying to get in touch with friends from school. She's going to help get them set up in the computer lab." Clint nods as she kneels on a towel next to him. She leans down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "We will make it through this. Together. For Natasha." 

He blinks back tears again and meets Laura's gaze. 

"I'm so sorry." He whispers. "I'm so, so sorry." She smiles sadly.

"It's alright. She made her decision, she gave us this gift. She saved all of us. All we can do is keep on going." 

He's not sure he can, but he knows that, for his family, he must.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. This hurt to write! Now you all get to suffer with me. When I saw the movie in theaters, I installed the “RunPee” app, which tells you when you can take a bathroom break during a film. When I saw Endgame, one of the spots they listed to take a restroom break was when “A man wakes up alone in a pool of water”, so worded to avoid spoilers if you check before the movie starts. I keep thinking of that wording, and imagining Clint doing just that; waking up, alone, without Natasha, but with the Stone clutched in his hand. It really stuck with me, that stark wording for something so emotional. So thanks for the inspiration, RunPee. ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> CW Notes: Clint is injured after the battle, although his injuries are described only briefly in the fic. Clint dissociates/loses time a lot in the story. The story focuses a lot on grief and loss, based on a canonical character death.
> 
> Edit: Edited on 4/5/2020: The italics didn't carry over from my original document, so I added them in!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
